Insomniac may not be the right noun. What is it called when, albeit not normally sleeping well anyways, you simply did not want to sleep? After handling a situation with my sister Angel, and it felt fantastic to be able to be there for here when, frankly, I wonapos;t be much longer, I simply wanted to keep control over my day, and sleeping meant dreaming. I cannot control my dreams. Granted, most of the time they are like my thoughts; wayward, brilliantly odd, and steers away before I regain the steering wheel, my dreams are more adamant to stay behind the wheel. I wanted to drive this time. I have been having horrible feelings lately, like something terrible is to come. I cannot sleep at night. The sunrise reminds me of bloody battles held in my dreams. And yet, yet I must walk through both like it is the only way to survive. To wander at the edge of night until the sun and the blood chases the stars away and any security I thought that I had. And it is not simply wedding jitters. Yes, I am excited, impatient, and terrified, to get married, but that is not what has been twisting my gut for a while. The problem is, I do not know what is making me feel this way. So being masochistic and not sleeping to have some control is something that I do. Masochist. That is what I am. That is the noun. I am a masochistic insomniac. What a title.
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